Help my HEART
by luukagu
Summary: When Haru is diagnosed with HCM, he is unable to swim due to the strain on his heart. With HCM wearing down his heart and Rin wearing down his soul, Haru is forced to look on the bright side of life and come to terms with his emotions as Rin contemplates a question of his own: should a shark cling to a dolphin, even if its bite could damage the tail? Rin/Haru. Shounen-ai
1. Why do my Feelings Cause Trouble

**Hello everylovely. Welcome to my story.**

**Luuka's list of things to say:**

**1. **I finally stopped crying over episode 12 of Free! enough to write a fiction, yayy. (Admittedly it took me about a season but the important thing is that I made it with a story)

**2.** The story follows Haru's everyday life and his personal struggle with a heart disease (HCM). All of the romantic content stems from Rin- I just really like them together.

**3. **Rei is non-existent in this story. (I couldn't find a place to fit him in...)

**4.** I've included a small paragraph explaining HCM. You don't have to read it, but it helps with clarity.

**5.** And finally, reviews are really, really helpful! I can't overstate how much I like reading them, because it means a lot for me to get feedback. ty. x

* * *

**Background to HCM:**

HCM (Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy) is where muscles in the heart begin to swell and thicken rapidly. Due to this, ventricle's in the heart struggle to fill as normal and less blood is pumped away from the heart with each and every heartbeat. Patients blood flow becomes turbulent and obstructed as valves in the heart struggle to function as normal and the patient is subject to abnormal/irregular heartbeats. (Arrhythmias)

Symptoms include: chest pains, loss of breath, dizziness, sickness, blood leaking from the heart, fainting, panic attacks, anxiety attacks (fake heart attacks), blood clots, arrhythmias, heart murmurs and blackouts. Symptoms may vary from person to person, and are usually stress or pressure induced.

For some patients, HCM stops at a certain point and they deal with it as a hindrance for the remainder of their lives. For others, the heart continues to swell and thicken until they develop heart failure or die from a heart attack or cardiac arrest. It is possible to have a heart transplant when HCM reaches the worst case, but as every patient varies it can be difficult to tell which cases will be potentially fatal.

Throughout HCM, patients should refrain from excessive stress and competitive sport as it can cause HCM to worsen or result in sudden death (athletes).

There's no proven clinical reason why this disease occurs, though it's suspected hereditary. There are various medicines available to help with HCM, but the disease itself is untreatable in the patients own heart.

* * *

There's something sad about the ocean.

Maybe it's the way the waves lap up the segments of sand that have spent months building up on the surface of the shore. Maybe it's the way the tides always retract when the sun comes out into the sky, but are chaotic in the face of the moon. It's like they can't bear to watch all the people who swim at day-like they've seen enough of the world, or have reached a point where they don't care. Or maybe the ocean is sad because it's like everybody else, and knows that life is filled with disappointments.

That's what Haruka Nanase thought as he watched the ocean from a window.

'You have HCM.'

'Yeah.'

Haru didn't know what else he could say: he sat on a plastic chair in the dim light of a hospital room playing with his thumbs, looking up at the ceiling and wondering where he'd go from here. For his whole life he'd imagined that he'd always be able to swim freely-he felt like it was the very thing he'd been born to do; the anchor that kept him shackled to a miserable Earth. HCM would explain why he'd felt so down lately-although there was another reason why Haruka felt depressed.

'It's recommended that you don't put any excess stress on your body-'

'Will I still be able to swim?' The words were out before he could think about them. His blue eyes found the doctors, who looked away uneasily.

'You will, but not on your own. It will be casually and you're to be accompanied at all times by a supervisor who's carrying your medication. You won't be able to compete in tournaments and you're to take breaks at least every ten minutes. Oh… and it's also a good idea to be careful during intercourse. Speaking as your doctor, the pressure to your heart may be too overwhelming for you to handle.'

'Yeah.' He was back to being nonchalant again.

'You'll be able to attend your education as normal-I'm sorry you had to miss your high school's opening ceremony in order to come here today.'

'It doesn't matter,' Haru replied. And then he realised it really didn't.

'HCM,' he laughed under his breath. 'Seriously, who cares about something like that?'

_It's only going to hurt more if I make myself afraid._

* * *

He sat in the bath staring at the water, watching light play along ripples on the surface.

The bathroom was Haru's favourite room of his house. Yellow walls contrasted with tiles of smooth, sky blue and cyan. Blue-the colour of water and the colour of peace: Haru felt content in the bathroom. It was like he'd slipped out of his cares with his clothes and entered a different world-a silent realm dominated by peace, where the only noises were the splashes of water overlapping water. Haru sunk underneath the water and squeezed his eyes shut.

He couldn't stop thinking about HCM: Haru wasn't the type of person to get angry over something he couldn't change, but at the same time it wasn't exactly something he could forget about.

_Maybe HCM is a contest-just another one of life's hurdles that I have to overcome._

But the problem was that Haru was too competitive: if his doctor said that swimming could kill him, he'd see the statement as a challenge rather than a rule to govern his life. What if this was a challenge that he just couldn't win? What if he lost something precious along the way… like the last time? Thoughts like those were the ones that made Haru wish he could stay underneath the water, forever…

'I'm coming in.'

Haru pulled himself up from the water with a gasp. His heart was racing in his chest and he was already close to fainting-_is this what HCM is like? Is this how it feels to be truly… weak?_ He clutched the sides of the bath to hold himself up and looked up to see warm, green eyes, an outstretched hand and a smile-

'Good morning, Haru-chan,' Makoto said, softly. Haru coughed and wiped his eyes, taking a moment to catch his breath.

'I told you… to… lay off the… –chan.'

Makoto sighed. 'You were wearing your swimsuit in the bath _again_?'

'Buzz off-you're gonna be late.' Haru climbed out of the bath and took a towel from the basket.

'That's my line,' Makoto mocked a frown. 'Anyway, get dressed-it doesn't look good to miss the first day of school and then show up late on the second, you know.'

* * *

The walk to school was fairly uneventful; as Makoto talked, Haru looked toward the ocean and his mind fell back to their previous days together:

Makoto had been a member of the Iwatobi Swim Club before it had closed down, where he and Haru had competed in swimming tournaments together as 12 year olds.

Haru didn't like to remember the team: where there had once been four members, only three now remained. Well, two and a half... Haru had felt like when the fourth member left, he'd taken a part of Haru with him, too. That was why he hadn't swum since the team had broken up-he couldn't bear the weight of the responsibility and the guilt. And now he never would-he'd never be able to swim competitively again.

He'd eaten mackerel for breakfast because the fish oil supposedly helped his heart. Haru felt like he needed the strength, today-he felt like he needed the boost. But even walking a flat road was causing him to pant: his heart felt heavy and his vision had started to waver-

'Haru?' Makoto stopped in the road and bent down to examine Haru. Haru had buried his face in his knees and squeezed his eyes shut-he didn't trust himself to keep his composure whilst looking Makoto in the face.

'Are you okay? Is everything alright?' Haru felt a hand rest firmly on his shoulder.

'I'm… fine.' Haru replied. 'My stomach… just doesn't… feel so good is all….'

'Why am I not surprised?' Makoto exhaled. 'I told you grilled mackerel was too heavy for breakfast. Do you need a moment? We can sit down if you want.'

Haru nodded and sunk down against the pavement. He sat for several long moments and listened to the ocean, wondering if he should tell Makoto about his disease. The emergency beta-blockers in his schoolbag consisted of a small, glass bottle, but to Haru it felt like the weight of the world was resting against his thigh.

_If I collapse or get sick, the pills in this bottle could save my life. I should tell Makoto about them, but at the same time I'm afraid of his reaction… I'm afraid to acknowledge it myself. Maybe if we all just ignore this disease, we can forget that it even exists…_

'Hey… Makoto?'

'What is it?'

Haru played with his hands.

'Do you think you could do this with me every day? Walk with me to school, I mean.'

'Sure,' Makoto smiled. 'I was under the assumption we'd agreed that mutually. Anything else? Ready to go?'

'Yeah,' Haru nodded. 'Let's just get this over with.'

* * *

Haru didn't know why he couldn't tell Makoto about HCM: he tried again several times during the remainder of the walk to school, but every time he attempted to speak the words seemed to dry on the surface of his tongue, drifting down his throat to rest at the bottom of Haru's stomach, weighing down his steps like stones.

_I want to tell him. _Haru thought to himself. _Makoto is an important friend: he has the right to know if I'm unwell. So why can't I do it-why can't I speak the words? _

'We're really late…' Makoto told Haru, taking the lead to their home-room class. 'I'm just glad the school gates didn't close… But we have home-room in the morning so hopefully no one will… oh…'

'Makoto! What time do you call this?' A brown haired teacher who had been leaving one of the classrooms looked up suddenly and made her way towards Makoto. 'We've already completed the morning roll-call: you'd better have a good explanation for… oh! Hello, Haruka!'

Haru had delayed slightly behind Makoto during their last staircase. He stood beside Makoto and the two of them gave an awkward bow.

'We're sorry we're late,' Makoto said sincerely. 'Haru wasn't feeling well, so we stopped for a while.'

'Oh! Well, why didn't you say that earlier?' The teacher flushed and her previous, fiery demeanour seemed to combust in the air. 'Makoto, there's an assembly for homeroom today: please go straight ahead to the hall-I'll mark you present for the roll-call. Haruka, I'd like to speak with you for a moment…'

The teacher re-unlocked her classroom door and disappeared inside. Haru took a quick glance over his shoulder to see Makoto give him a grimace of sympathy before moving away down the hall. Feeling uncertain, Haru stepped inside and closed the door behind him.

The teacher had settled herself behind a desk and was marking something into a binder. She gestured for Haru to pull up a chair.

'I'm Miss. Amakata,' she explained, with a smile. 'I'm your homeroom tutor and classical literature teacher-it's my job to make sure your time at Iwatobi High School is as enjoyable as possible, okay?'

Haru nodded and looked to the floor-he already knew where this conversation was heading.

'Thanks for coming in today,' Amakata said to him, slowly. 'I realise it… must be quite a strain having learned about your condition only yesterday. Was it shocking for you?'

Haru shrugged his shoulders. 'They told me HCM was predicted while I was waiting for the definite results. It's not at a fatal stage and I don't have the worst outcome, so…'

Talking to her was easier, for some reason. Amakata's voice became very soft.

'Your doctor faxed us your medical notes-they've already been forwarded into the school system. It's okay that you couldn't come in yesterday: you're not in trouble, I perfectly understand! If you need some time out, that's also fine…just tell me if school starts to feel like it's too much. We can help you, Haruka: everyone at school just want's the best for you.'

Amakata moved her hand as if to reach across and reassure Haru, then seemed to think better of it and immediately pulled back.

'Haruka, if you ever need to talk… well, you don't always have to go to the counsellors office. Come and find me in the staff room and I'll always have time to spare. As Buddha once said: '_No one can save us but ourselves. No one can and no one may-we ourselves must walk that path_.' Okay?'

Haru nodded his head blankly. Although he didn't get the quote about Buddha, he felt a little better. The weight on his shoulders had seemed to lessen-even if only by a fraction.

* * *

School seemed to drag itself on and on-several times Haru found himself on the verge of collapsing. Before the beginning of lunch he was sick on one of the staircases and Makoto escorted him to the nurse's office.

Haru didn't want to go, but the situation had compelled him:

'I'm fine, Matoko.' Haru had insisted. 'I just want to sit down… I'm okay where I am.'

'Haru,' Matoko's voice was tender, as if he was scared of breaking Haru. 'We're at the bottom of a staircase-we're in everybody's way. Haru… come on… you haven't been yourself all day.' He crouched down and gently tugged on Haru's wrist. Haru squeezed his eyes shut and tried to separate himself from the rest of the world. The voices of people around him seemed to pluck his nerves like strings-

'_What's going on? Why can't we go up the stairs?'_

'_Somebody's been sick... disgusting, right?_

'_In the hallway? Are you serious?'_

'_Yeah, somebody's definitely been sick, I can smell it and it's gross. Do you want to go the long way around?'_

'_No, I want to see who it is…'_

_Go away._ Haru wrapped his arms around his head. _Why can't you all just go away? You know I'm unwell so why do you crowd around me? Why are all of you so loud-why can't you leave me alone?_

'Haru,' Makoto shook his shoulder. 'Haru, let's get away from this place. Come on-let's go and see the nurse.'

* * *

'It's probably psychological,' the school nurse had explained to Haru, after ushering Makoto outside of the door. 'Of course, we can't run any detailed tests but your heart rate is fine and your temperature seems normal. You're quite collected now, so I think the sickness was a result of your worries: this happens a lot during exam season. Students bottle up their fears and it gets converted into stress: eventually, your body has to react.'

Haru blinked. 'Do you think I'm in shock?'

'Shock, upset, depression or frustration… maybe it's a combination of all four. Just take it easy for today: don't push yourself onto everything at once.'

* * *

As he waited for Makoto at the end of the day, Haru begun to reflect on what the nurse had told him.

_I'm not worried._ Haru told himself, firmly. _I don't care about HCM-so why is my body reacting so violently? I'm not shocked or upset, depressed or frustrated… I'm not happy with it either, but what can I do but be indifferent about a disease that I can't change? It's not like I've been marked to die. I'm alive and I'm breathing, and there's no indication that those facts are about to change-so why do I feel scared, like I'm going to flake away? Why are my hands shaking from just thinking about it?_

'Haru!' Makoto stopped beside Haru and took a moment to catch his breath. 'Were you waiting long? Sorry! Someone jammed a pen inside the photocopier in our block, so I had to use the one at the other side of the school… Oh-that reminds me…' He pulled a sheet of paper from his bag. 'Haru, I made you a hand-out of everything we did yesterday!'

'T-thank you.' Haru took the page. Makoto peered down at him curiously.

'Okay? You looked like you were going to say something just then. Let me guess: I love you?'

'Give me a break!' Haru made a gesture with his hands as if to push Makoto away, but couldn't help the smile that tugged the corners of his lips.

'I thought that would make you smile.' Makoto laughed, but quickly became serious. 'I wanted to see you happy, Haru-you scared me earlier. You've been really out-of-sync with yourself all day. I thought… I thought something had happened to you: I wasn't sure how to react.'

'So that was your plan all along?' Haru pouted. 'I keep telling you that I'm fine, Makoto… I'm fine… You don't have to worry so much when I'm really okay… Really, I'm alright…'

He trailed away, and Makoto clapped him on the shoulder.

'You say that,' Makoto tilted his head. 'But your expressions never seem to agree. Come on-it's time that we got back. It's going to get dark, and school at night is really creepy.'

* * *

The walk home took Haru and Makoto through the town. Car headlights swept the pavements and as the red sun begun to sink behind the sea, night fell and cicadas begun to chirp, street-lamps begun to blush and the stars started to twinkle.

'Hey… do you want to go back and see it?'

'See what?'

'The swim club. You know, where we all used to go and swim together?'

Haru looked away. 'Why are you thinking about that now?'

'Well…' Matoko trailed away. 'Actually, I saw Nagisa in assembly today. You know, from the Iwatobi Swim Club? We used to do the relay together. We even won a trophy.'

Haru considered the name for a moment. 'He did the breaststroke for us, didn't he? The happy, blond kid who hugged everyone?'

Matoko laughed. 'That couldn't be anyone _but _Nagisa. Anyway, it got me thinking: I really enjoyed swimming with you guys. Maybe it's not too late for us… to go swimming again, I mean.'

'We can't,' Haru replied quickly. 'We're one member short-that's not a team.'

'I know, but we don't have to be a team. We can just swim together casually sometimes-you can teach me how to be free in the water. You used to look so happy whenever you talked about that, but you haven't said a thing about swimming all day… At any rate, would it hurt to take a look?'

Haru wanted to protest, but couldn't think of any reasonable objections. He followed Matoko through the town and examined what was left of the club.

The building had fallen into ruin since its abandonment. Some of the windows had been smashed and the once bright paint had peeled and faded: no matter which way Haru looked at it, the building was no longer connected with the enthusiasm and excitement it had once caused him to feel.

'Hey, there's a notice on the door… 'Procedure of Demolition...' huh? Haru… did you know about this? They're going to tear the swim club down!'

Haru reached out and touched the chain-link fence: he didn't want to go any closer to the building. Somewhere in the background, he heard a door creak open.

'Makoto?' Haru called into the dark. 'Why are you going inside? You said we'd just take a quick look.'

'I'm not going inside. I'm reading the construction notice.'

Haru thrust his hands into his pockets, feeling suddenly uncomfortable.

'Makoto,' he said. 'I'm going to look around the back.'

'Sure- just don't go far, okay?'

Haru crossed the grass and made his way around to the back of the building. The fire escape was rusted and creaking, but when Haru tried the door he found it opened easily. Some of the rust that had sealed the door lay in crumbled flakes on the grass.

_I knew it-someone did leave just now._

Cautiously, Haru stepped inside. An object was lying discarded on the floor: a blue ornament mounted on a small, black plinth with a red and white ribbon tied across the top.

_This is the relay trophy my swim club won five years ago._

As Haru started at the object, memories begun to rise to the surface of his thoughts:

'_The four of us won this together, so it doesn't make sense for one person to take it home. So let's put it in a time capsule and dig it up when we're grown up! Romantic, right?'_

_The four of us were the only ones who knew where this trophy was hidden. We buried it a while ago-it should be underground. So if Makoto and I didn't dig it up, that means it was Nagisa, or... or..._

Before he could stop himself, Haru turned and broke into a run.

'Haru?' He heard Makoto call. 'Haru, where are you going? Haru!'

The world around Haru blurred as he ran, following the course of the path until he found himself by a main road in the town. A crowd of people were waiting by a zebra crossing, and Haru examined them as he caught his breath. Amongst them, he spotted a figure around his height. His back was turned toward Haru and his head was covered by a cap, but underneath his cap Haru thought he saw the faintest glint of red... and then the traffic lights signalled, the crowds begun to move, and the person Haru had been watching was swallowed.

Haru elbowed his way through the crowds, pushing through people as he made his way forward. 'Please!' he breathed, not knowing if anyone could hear him. 'Please let me through! I can't… I can't…'

_The figure was going to disappear… he was going to melt into the crowds and fade away forever. He was going to walk away from Haru again… but Haru wasn't going to let that happen. It didn't matter that the air was draining from his lungs, because he had to keep running… He had to move forward…_

Ignoring the seizing pains in his chest, Haru gritted his teeth and sprinted towards the other man. When he was within reaching distance, Haru stretched out a hand and grasped the back of his t-shirt. The man who he'd grabbed spun around quickly-almost colliding with Haru in the process.

Every cell in Haru's body ached and the muscles in his thighs seemed to burn from sprinting. But more than that, there was a tightening in his chest-combined with the fact his lungs felt as if they would burst, the feelings were more than Haru knew how to handle-

'What the hell?' The stranger snapped. 'Why don't you watch where you're…. wait. Are you-'

Haru looked up. He couldn't distinguish the face of figure to see if he'd grabbed the right person: there had been so many, and the street-lamps had been so _bright._

'I'm… I'm…'

The streets had begun to swirl, and the edges of Haru's vision had started to grow black. Haru tried to regain his balance but quivered, unable to stand up straight. He couldn't let go of the other person's shirt because…. Because, he couldn't remember… all he knew was that they couldn't walk away… that he couldn't let them go, no matter what happened…

Black specks swarmed like insects over his vision and pins and needles flooded Haru's body. Haru tried to straighten his back but slipped and fell face forward onto the pavement. He heard the thump as his body hit the concrete, then everything melted into static.

Just before Haru collapsed, he thought someone had broken through the white noise of the world and called out his name.


	2. Diving into Despair

A glitter of pointy teeth and a swirl of red hair-

'Good morning, sleeping beauty.'

Haru gasped and quickly sat.

He felt dizzy and his eyelids were heavy, so it was difficult to distinguish the world around him. Everything was sliding into place far too quickly, and his body was prickling from his brain to his toes. The figure of Rin was somewhere in the foreground, but other than that Haru couldn't make out a thing. Was this part of his dream, too? Or was Rin really before him… and why?

'Ssh.' A cold finger was placed against his lips. 'Don't get out of bed right away-you'll put a strain on your heart.'

_Too late for that_.

Haru shifted and tried to distinguish his position. He felt the smoothness of cotton sheets between his thighs and could see a ceiling fan turning slowly overhead. He felt the light pressure of the finger resting against his lips, and inhaled through his nose to prevent his mouth from opening; he could smell lavender on the bed sheets and the slight dampness of Rin's hair, but the rest of his surroundings had been blurred into obscurity. The mattress had gone down a little where Haru supposed Rin was sitting on it.

'Where… where am I?' Haru managed.

'Samezuka.' Rin said, shortly. 'The boarding school where I attend-right now, you're in my dorm room. I didn't know what to do with you and I couldn't remember where you lived, so I brought you back here with me. Pretty nice of me, wouldn't you say?'

Rin closed his eyes, tilted his head and grinned. When Haru didn't respond, Rin begun to elaborate:

'It's not- not like I had a choice, just to make things clear. People were staring at me-a girl was gonna call an ambulance-and you were clutching onto my back. If I didn't take you home I'd look like an asshole, so I was basically forced to do it. I'm pretty pissed off about having you here, too- students are gonna start talking if they know you slept over. You'll give me a name- don't do it again.'

'It's not like this is a hobby for me,' Haru muttered, playing with a corner of the duvet. It was taking him a while to process his situation: he was safe and warm- in Rin's bed, of all places-and Rin was beside him with damp hair, shirtless-

'Did we sleep together?'

'Idiot-don't say anything like that again! Crap…' Rin smoothed his fingers through his hair. 'If you seriously don't remember a thing, at least don't jump to the worst conclusion!'

_Worst?_ Haru blinked.

'What happened to me?'

'You fell down on the pavement. Physically, you're okay apart from a few grazes. Not to mention… well…'

Rin took a flip-up mirror from his desk and tossed it to Haru. Haru stared at the reflection of himself: his right eye was closed and a black bruise had stretched over it like a huge, dark spider, crouching atop his cheek.

'So that's why it was so hard to open.' Tentatively, Haru touched the black eye-it was sore, and a little inflated.

'You're not a pretty sight any more, huh?'

Rin begun to laugh but when his eyes met Haru's, he stopped and begun to fidget awkwardly.

'Don't gimmie that look- be thankful you didn't crack your head open. You acted like an idiot, Haru: what were you thinking, running into me like that? Were you even thinking at all?'

Haru frowned to himself. 'Guess I wasn't…' he mumbled. He wasn't sure himself why he'd started running-all he could remember was that he'd seen someone who looked like Rin and dashed toward them, instantly…

_I didn't want him to leave. In that moment, everything else melted away: all I could see was the figure of Rin, walking further and further into the horizon… All I could think was: 'I have to see him again-' I completely forgot that I was unwell. No… maybe I didn't forget. Maybe it just didn't matter to me…_

Haru turned over onto his side and tried to focus his gaze on Rin. Everything was blurry but features were slowly falling into place: Rin's red hair had become less vivid, his face sharpened, muscles firmer and more distinguished. Seeing him again made something soften in Haru's chest because-after all the time they'd spent apart-he'd learned that Rin was okay. No… he was better than okay: he was wonderful. He'd managed fine without Haru, and that was a good thing-Haru supposed. So why did it make him feel so hollow?

'Crssh.' Rin puffed his cheeks. 'You're _weird-_but it doesn't matter. I thought having you over would be a pain but now that I think of it, our meeting was perfect.' He pulled a polo shirt over his head and grinned. 'I've spent so long training that I'm certain I can beat you. I'm ready to race-and I know I can win!'

_He wants to talk about... swimming?_

Haru shut his eyes.

'I don't do races. I only swim freestyle.'

'That's crap.' Rin snapped. 'Haru… do you hate me? Right now, you're seriously getting on my nerves: you're being selfish as hell! All you have to do is swim one race- what possible reason could you have for saying no?'

'Because I'm-' Haru broke away.

He watched the fan as it spun on the ceiling, blurring in and out of his focal point. His nerve endings felt sharp and his vision seemed to prickle-even the weak rays of sunlight that filtered through the window seemed burning white-hot at the touch of his skin. The morning light seemed bright-bright enough to burn him- and he felt scalded, embraced by unfamiliar feelings that were simultaneously sharp and dull as they pierced him all around.

_What is this feeling -and why did I stop myself? I was going to tell Rin about HCM but then he mentioned swimming… the way he smiles when he talks about swimming, like he's been waiting all these years for us to race again… Is that the only reason why I'm here now? If I tell him I can't swim… will he turn his back on me? And if I don't swim for Rin, will he never be able to swim either? Will he be unable to move forward if I continue to hold him back? _

'Excited…' Haru continued, distantly. 'I'm excited to race you again.'

Rin laughed. 'I knew it. I'm going to crush you! This really worked out better than I expected-we can use Samezuka's pool. You're not really allowed to use it, but it won't hurt for just today.'

'Today?' Haru felt himself go cold. 'You want me to race you… now?'

'Not right now-you've just woken up. My room-mate is out so you can rest here for a while. The door key is on my desk with some money and there's a vending machine in the locker rooms; take as long as you need to get prepared, then come to the pool when you're well enough to race.'

_He wants to make sure that I'm healthy for our race because that way, his victory will be all the more meaningful…_

'Rin, w-wait,' Haru stammered, as Rin put his hand on the door. 'I don't know if... I don't think I can do this. I mean, I don't have my swimsuit with me…'

'What do you mean, you 'don't have it with you?' It's on underneath your pants, isn't it?'

'But how did you-'

The dormitory door snapped shut and Haru was left alone. He pulled Rin's duvet over his head and closed his eyes, listening to the caws of seagulls and the dull thumping of his heart, trying to place order to the emotions in his chest.

* * *

Samezuka's pool was-as far as swimming pools were concerned-beautiful, in Haru's opinion. Not only was it beautiful, but it was also big-_how long will it take to get from one end to the other? Is my body really going to be okay with swimming such a distance? It's not exactly casual swimming, either…_

After removing his clothes he'd dumped his school bag on a bench and settled down for a moment, staring at the water.

_I guess this is proof I really do have HCM. This pool is gorgeous-the old me would have undressed and jumped in without a thought. Now the chlorine smells stuffy and my swimsuit feels too tight..._

Rin swum to the ladder and climbed out of the pool. He stood before Haru with one hand on his hip.

'You didn't take long.'

'Need more time to practice?'

'As if.' Rin smiled. 'Look how good our situation is. No one else is in the pool right now so there's no distractions and no barriers: no excuses when you lose, Haru. Want few minutes to warm up?'

'I don't need a 'warm-up.' The words were unintentionally sharp, but Haru couldn't escape the feeling that he was being looked down on. His heart was thumping like a war drum in his chest, as if to warn Haru to turn around leave-

_Get out of this situation-why don't you stop yourself? Do you think you can handle this, or are you willingly walking to your death? _Haru disconnected himself from the voices in his head. _I'm going to swim for Rin one more time to set him free-I don't care about the consequences._

'If you say so.' Rin held up a hand. 'You're supposed to get grouchy _after_ I beat you-anyway, why are you sitting around? Do you think your legs will start moving on their own?'

'I'm getting in the water… give me a chance! Anyway, you need to go away for a minute; there's something I need to do first.'

'Whatever. I'm going to stretch for a while.'

Haru waited until Rin was some distance away until he dug into his school bag and found his bottle of beta-blockers.

_This is my emergency medication for HCM... how many of these tablets am I supposed to take? My doctor said two, but they're meant to be taken after my heart starts to hurt instead of before… but afterwards might be too late… _

Haru tipped four tablets into his hand and swallowed them all in one quick movement. Rin seemed to notice what Haru was doing and and curiously walked back over towards him.

'What are those? Headache pills?'

'Something like that.'

'They'd better not be steroids.' Rin snatched the bottle from Haru's hand. 'What kind of clinic puts headache pills in _bottles_? And what does this say: proprano-'

'Give them back.' Haru's voice was quiet. He moved to take the bottle from Rin, but Rin jerked his hand away from Haru's grasp.

'Okay, okay: I just wanted to look.' He shrugged and tossed the bottle back. 'You know, I haven't heard of that brand before. Are they painkillers or something? To dull the pain of losing?'

'It's none of your business…'

'Are you sulking now? Aww, you haven't changed at all! Did Haruka get upset because-'

'I said it's none of your business!' Haru clenched his fists and stood.

_Rin's changed so much: he's like a different person. He's smiling and teasing me, but -what he doesn't know-I could be diving to my death…_

'Let's just swim,' Haru muttered. He stretched, took some goggles and a swimming cap from the bench and climbed up on a podium, overlooking the pool. For a second the water seemed to sway several meters into the horizon-then Haru turned and saw Rin beside him, and remembered what he was doing.

'Ready?' Rin asked, and Haru took the opportunity to consult himself:

_I don't want to do this. _Haru's heart thumped in his chest. _But Rin needs to swim with me. If he doesn't beat me, he'll become dispassionate… I don't want that to happen again… I don't want him to suffer any more because of me. But in case anything happens, I should tell him how I feel-_

'Rin,' Haru said suddenly. 'I'm glad that you came back. I'm glad I got to swim with you, and I'm glad that you're okay… or not. I don't know: race me. I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused. Good luck getting into the Olympics.'

'Huh?' Rin frowned. 'Haru… one thing at a time! Wait, why are you-'

'Ready!' Haru called and Rin dropped into position. 'Set… GO!'

The second Haru had crouched down to dive, his body seemed to assume manual control. He dove into the pool and felt the rush of water around him-he heard a splash as he swum forward and felt his legs contract immediately as he kicked. Haru knew that he should have relaxed, but the fact he felt okay inspired him to move faster-

_This actually feels really good. I don't feel like I'm in pain-I just feel a little weird. How long have I been swimming, anyway? I haven't reached the turn yet, and I can't remember what used to happen to my time perception when I swum, so everything is hazy. I'm just relying on just my instincts to move me forward. Speaking of which, are my goggles working? All I can see in front of me is dark blue… it's really, really vivid… and I think it's getting brighter…_

There was a tight pain in Haru's chest, and about three seconds later he lost consciousness.

* * *

When Haru awoke for the second time, he was lying in one of many identical beds. His surroundings cleared quickly and his brain was strangely coherent:

_Wait-I know where this is. This is a hospital… _

Rubbing his eyes, Haru took a look around. He didn't know how many beds were in the hall and didn't care to guess. He stood-realising he'd been re-dressed in his clothes-slipped on his shoes and made his way to the door. He found himself in a corridor and begun down the nearest staircase when-

'Just what the hell do you think you're doing?'

Haru felt the blood freeze in his veins-he knew immediately who'd called out to stop him, but hadn't prepared himself for the conversation.

'What does it look like? I'm going home.'

'No, you're not.' Rin snapped. 'Where you're going is back to bed. The doctors want to speak with you-and as a matter of fact, so do I. Sit down.'

Haru bit his lip.

'You do realise this is a staircase.'

'I do-I picked up on that. Sit down.'

'You just said go back to bed-which one do you want?'

'Sit down, Haruka.' Rin snapped and Haru sat beside him. Seconds ticked by as Haru fidgeted, not knowing what to say.

'The doctors wouldn't tell me anything.' Rin begun, in a sulky voice. 'They said it was confidential or some shit-that they needed your 'permission' to disclose information. So, I have to hear it from you: Haru, what happened in the pool?'

'I started to drown.'

'Then your lungs are fucking small-we weren't even in the water three minutes. Don't lie to me.' Rin looked across to Haru. 'You passed out in the street then again in the pool and say that it's 'nothing'-don't treat me like an idiot!'

Haru swallowed at the tone of Rin's voice. _He sounds like he's been in pain. Does Rin think it's because of him that I collapsed in the pool? It isn't-none of this is his fault. _

'I have... I have HCM. It's a heart condition.'

The words themselves were easy to say, but the feelings that came with them were difficult to handle. There was a long silence as Rin seemed to process this.

'How long?' Rin asked eventually, in a voice that was unexpectedly thick. 'How long have you known about HCM? How long have you known that you have this condition?'

'I've had predictions for a while, but the official letter arrived last week. The first time I met with my doctor was three days ago.'

'Three days?' Rin laughed. 'You fucking moron. You couldn't hold out of the water three days to save your life? Are you stupid, Haru?'

The last sentence Rin had yelled-two nurses quickened their pace as they moved past them on the staircase. Haru dropped his head and murmured something to himself.

'What was that?' Rin snapped. 'What did you say?'

'Nothing…'

'If you said what I fucking think you said, Haru-'

'Well, it's true isn't it? You're the reason why I'm here!'

The words felt wrong-so wrong-and Haru instantly regretted them. But he couldn't stop speaking because it was his only defence-

'Swimming, swimming, swimming-that's all you talk about! How could I _not_ refuse to race you when it was the first thing you said? Even though we haven't seen each other in almost five years, the first thing that came to mind with you was that you _had_ to beat me in a race-it was always about _you_!'

Haru drew a breath and steadied himself-Rin shook his head, but surprisingly took the accusation well.

'How many people actually have HCM? How common do you think it is? Haru, we're not eleven any more-it's your responsibility to mention it if you have something like that!'

He begun to knit his fingers in and out of each other in frustration.

'I know what happened in the pool.' Rin begun. 'You had a cardiac arrest: I learned about them in a medical course, but I didn't know why it happened to you. If you'd have said something, we could have stopped it... you don't understand how serious this is! This wasn't like yesterday when you fell over in the street, got a little bruise and someone tucked you into bed-Haru, your heart completely stopped beating. You were minutes away from brain damage and looking death in the face, then you try walking away from hospital as if you couldn't care less. You don't care about yourself at all, and it pisses me off so much! Why did I have to meet you again? Why did I have to come back to all this stress…'

Rin dropped his head and ran his fingers through his hair. Haru fidgeted beside him.

_Is Rin disappointed in me? I don't blame him-I'm disappointed in myself, too. I want to say something to make Rin feel better, but I don't know how to speak the right words. I want to tell him the reason why I got in the pool, but I don't even know 'why' myself. At the time I thought it was for Rin, but even now, I just don't know…_

Rin's fists were clenched atop his lap. Haru reached over-tentatively-and placed a hand atop Rin's knuckles.

'Rin… Thank you for staying with me.'

'I had to stay.' Rin snapped in response. 'An ambulance picked you up and you don't have any money for a train. How would you get home without me?'

Haru shook his head. 'You could have not cared about that. You could have left me here and gone back to Samezuka on your own, but you stayed and waited for me. I'm really, really grateful, Rin: thank you for staying by my side.'

'Go away, Haru-just leave me alone. I have some things I want to think about.'

Haru didn't feel comfortable with leaving Rin on the staircase, but didn't want to risk further provoking his temper. Gently, Haru climbed to his feet and walked back to his hospital bed where he passed the time staring at the ceiling, feeling sickened with himself.

* * *

The last train to Iwatobi beach bumped over a bridge as it chased the setting sun. From a train window, Haru connected the lights of buildings in the distance as he recalled the outcome of his earlier hospital appointment:

'A sudden cardiac arrest.' One of the nurses had told Haru, when he'd asked what happened in the swimming pool. 'It's where your heart stops because the rhythm is disrupted-the temperature of the pool, increased heart rate, beta blockers and HCM combined were almost certainly what brought yours on. Basically, your heart went into overdrive: try to be more careful in the future.'

Haru's doctor, however, didn't take such a delicate approach:

'You were lucky it didn't turn into a heart attack.' He'd been told, seriously. 'But even luckier that other boy was with you at the time. The ambulance he'd called took 20 minutes to make it to Samezuka but fortunately he knew how to use CPR. Attempts at revival fall to 0% if the victim is unconscious for more than 7 minutes, and death usually occurs within the first 5: by the time professional help arrived, without him you'd be dead.'

_I really did come close to death, a__nd Rin was the one who brought me back…_ _I shouldn't have said those things at the hospital: I shouldn't have blamed Rin just so I could spare my own feelings. Without him, it's safe to say that I'd be dead._

'Here.' From the seat beside Haru, Rin begun to unzip his jacket. Haru shook his head, snapping himself from his thoughts in the process.

'I don't need it-I've got one.'

'Then have another.' Rin shrugged his zip-up over Haru's shoulders. 'Haru, you... you're pale as hell. It's cold when the doors open, and you need all the warmth you can get as you are.'

'_As you are'-does he think I'm weak?_ Haru gripped onto the side of his seat._  
_

'Rin, you're not listening to me! I just told you, I don't-'

'Haruka, shut up.' Rin rested his head in his hands. 'I'm too tired to argue and I don't need another incident. Just do as I say- put on the damn jacket.'

Defiantly, Haru slipped his arms into the sleeves of Rin's zip-up. It was warm, and smelled like Rin and lotus washing powder-Haru nuzzled his nose into the collar, which bounced back up lightly and brushed against his cheek. Unconsciously, he found himself sinking deeper into the jacket, pressing against the remnants of Rin's lingering warmth.

'Are you going to be alright like that?' Haru looked across to Rin. 'Your arms are bare and it's early autumn-you'll catch something if you go out.'

'I'll be fine. I have warm blood. I can run it off, anyway-no sweat.'

'You're not getting off by Samezuka, are you?'

'And leave you on the train by yourself?' Rin snorted. 'Haru... right now, I don't trust you to walk a straight line, let alone from the train station to your front door. I'll take you to your house and run back to Samezuka.'

'That seems problematic.' Haru turned to Rin. 'Stay over,' he insisted. 'You can spend the night at mine. Not only that, but its Sunday tomorrow- I can take you out to dinner as a thank-you for today.'

'Listen, Haru.' Rin spoke very slowly. 'We're not friends; I only wanted to beat you in a race. Now that I can't, I've got no reason to hang around: all I want to do is make sure you get home.'

'You don't mean the things you're saying… Rin… You're just angry with me.' Haru used both of his hands to grip one of Rin's wrists. 'You're angry because I didn't tell you about HCM... because you came to hospital with me… that's the real reason why you're saying all this, isn't it?'

Rin looked away. 'You really don't get it, do you?'

'Why are you being like this?'

'Because I'm selfish. I only care about entering the Olympics-there isn't anyone or anything else that matters to me. We were friends at one time, but there isn't any reason for us to stay in the past-all we'd do is go over pointless crap. We're just going to drag each other down, and I'd rather focus on my own goals right now.'

Haru shuffled closer to Rin on the seat.

'Well, I'm selfish too-and stupid as well. You said it yourself: I'm an idiot. If you left me alone, I'd probably slip on a puddle of water and die. Without someone watching me who knows what might happen?'

'Keep your voice down-'

'Don't order me around!'

_Wait… why am I getting hysterical? Why am I being so insistent? Rin doesn't care about me now that I can't swim-he said it himself. So why do I care what he thinks?_

'Rin,' Haru insisted sternly. 'I at least want to express my gratitude properly- let me take you out to lunch as a thank you. You can stay over tonight so you don't have to go back, then in the afternoon we'll go out together. And you're going to come-you don't have a choice.'

'Why do you say that?'

'Because now I have your jacket. And I'm not giving it back unless you sleep over.'

'My jacket-scary. Just what are you going to do with it?'

'I'll put it in the washing machine with whites and reds, then return it to you after it gets pink.'

'Horrifying.' Rin's lips twisted into a smirk.

'Don't make fun of me. I'm being serious! You'll have to get a new one, and it will be very inconvenient-'

'Alright, alright-if that's what it takes to get you to shut up. Keep your voice down, Haruka-other people use this train, too.'

Haru bit into his tongue, resisting the urge to snap something back. He turned his head back to the window and focused on his surroundings: in the glass, Haru could see the reflection of Rin-attempting to hide a smile with his hair.

'Rin…' Haru begun, faintly. 'I'm really happy you're here right now. At first, I was worried that you'd changed, but I don't think you have.'

'What?'

'What?'

'Never mind… Forget it.' Rin scowled and swept some hair from his eyes. 'I give up talking to you, Haru-it's way too mentally challenging for me. Just be quiet until you get home: I'm trying to pretend that this day never happened.'

Feeling warm, Haru closed his eyes and rested his head against Rin's shoulder.

_It's so peaceful like this…_ Haru thought to himself. _Feeling the train move underneath me-with Rin by my side-I feel very calm. It seems as if-in this moment-the entire world has slowed its spinning. If I could stay like this for a while… I think I could be very comfortable…_

'Hey, Haru... don't you dare fall asleep! I'll shake you awake if you do, understand? I'm not joking, I mean it! I'm not carrying you again!'

'Okay okay,' Haru opened his eyes. 'Wasn't planning on it,' he muttered and gave a tired sigh.

Maybe being around Rin would be extreme, but Haru wondered if-despite this- the two of them could manage to be happy in the end.

He thought it might be possible.


	3. Help me to Understand you

**Luuka:** This chapter is from Rin's point of view-apparently, he does the inner monologue thing, too. (Its worrying but we're not going to question it.)

So, here we go with Rin's perspective!

* * *

_What the hell am I doing?_

Rin thrust his hands into his pockets and tapped his foot against a curb to try and ignore the cold. His chest felt warm, but his arms were freezing-a part of him regretted giving away his jacket. The person wearing his jacket-Haru-was currently having a battle with his front door.

'Just a second,' Haru scrunched up his nose. 'The lock is stuck. I think I need to kick it down.'

'Don't kick it down. Haru-don't you dare!'

The two of them had argued all the way to Haru's house. How the neighbours hadn't complained was beyond Rin's understanding, but somehow they'd made it to his front door without being hindered. Rin couldn't remember the exact cause of the argument: Haru had placed it down to the fact that Rin liked to patronise him. Rin-in retaliation-had snapped back that he wouldn't need to patronise Haru if Haru didn't do stupid things-it was a back and forth argument that neither of them could win.

'Doesn't matter. I think I've got it. Come in.'

'Y-yeah.' Rin looked away uneasily.

_I should never have agreed to this. I should just go back to Samezuka, but it's not like Haru is going to let me leave now._

'Excuse me,' Rin called put, as he stepped into the hallway. Haru turned back to Rin with a strange expression.

'Who're you talking to?'

'Your… your parents…'

'They left years ago: they work abroad.'

'Oh... I see.' Rin lowered his eyes. 'Wait-do they know about your heart?'

'Who knows?' Haru took off Rin's jacket, removed his own and then put Rin's back on. He tapped something into a thermostat and then threw his jacket into a basket of washing.

'Heating's on. Want anything to drink?'

'I'm fine.'

'Suit yourself. I'm gonna make some tea.'

Whilst Haru moved around in the kitchen, Rin examined the hallway: there had been no shoes other than his and Haru's in the doorway and-through the entry to the living room-Rin could see no photographs on the tables or walls.

_Does Haru get on with his parents? I'm guessing from his response that he hasn't told them about his heart. Of course the doctors won't contact his parents: he's sixteen, so as far as medical records are concerned he's an adult. Is it really okay that his parents don't know? It's not my business to interfere, but still…_

'You can go upstairs.' Haru called. 'My room is the one with the dolphin on the door. I'll be up in a second.'

'R-right.'

Cautiously, Rin made his way upstairs. Walking into Haru's room, he realised that his heart had started to pound-Rin settled down onto the floor and took a moment to collect himself.

_Why am I getting so worked up? My heart is thumping at the thought of being alone in a bedroom with Haru... there's no way I'm actually nervous about it? It's just Haru's room-it's not like it's a big deal. He slept over mine last night, and now I'm doing the same with him… it's not like anything will happen. My room-mate in Samezuka at a guy, so why am I getting so worked up about this?_

Haru set a tray of tea on the end of his bed and raised an eyebrow at Rin.

'You can sit on the bed. There's room next to me.'

_Yeah, but I don't feel comfortable sitting by you on a bed._

'It's fine.' Rin replied. 'I'm content on the floor.'

'You're weird.' Haru stretched. 'Oh…' he breathed, suddenly. 'That reminds me: I don't have any futons. Rin-it looks like you're going to have to get into bed with me tonight.'

'Not happening,' Rin made his way into the hallway. 'And I don't believe you. Which one of these doors is your airing cupboard?'

'I don't have an airing cupboard.'

'Doesn't matter; found it.'

'Don't open it.'

'Too late. There's a blue futon-can I use this?'

'No.'

'Did you say yes? I heard yes, Haru-I'm going to set it up.'

Haru scowled at the ceiling. 'Hit and miss,' he muttered, as Rin entered the room with a bundle of blue bedding underneath his arm.

Rin glared at Haru as he arranged the blankets. 'You're so depraved.' He said, scornfully. 'You've been told you've got a heart condition that's worsening by the day, and all you can think about is…'

'All I can think about is what? I want to go to sleep-don't you?'

'Yeah, I do-and that's why I'm not getting in with you. I don't know what it is, but I know you'll do something and I'm not tolerating it.' Rin stripped off his shirt and pants and climbed into the bedding. 'Can you turn off the light?' He called, uncomfortably aware that Haru had watched him strip.

'If I do that, we won't be able to see.'

_This guy... _

'Yeah-that is the general idea. It's late and I'm tired: I want to go to sleep.'

After turning off the light, Haru climbed back into bed and pressed a switch on a nearby table. There was a faint, blue light from the corner of the room that seemed to assume the shape of a dolphin. The room became softly illuminated by its glow.

'Sorry, but I need this.' Haru explained. 'It's a dolphin night-light. If I don't have it, I can't sleep: I've used it every night since my Grandmother passed away.'

'Ss'fine.' Rin murmured. 'The night-light is fine. Go to bed, Haru.'

'I will. Goodnight.'

Rin grunted and rolled over in the blankets.

_He's staring at me._ Rin thought, uncomfortably. _I can't see with my back like this, but somehow I just know..._

'Rin?'

'What is it?'

'Turn on the light-I forgot my tea was on the end of the bed and I just tipped it everywhere.'

* * *

6:02AM.

Rin rolled over in the blankets.

_It's no good, _he thought to himself. _I can't go back to sleep. My body is used to waking up right now, and it's on autopilot. It doesn't look like Haru is awake, either-what am I supposed to do? _

He took a moment to consider his options.

_Right now I'm in Haru's house, so it would be rude to wander around. Do I wait for Haru to wake up or should I wake him now? _Rin looked over at Haru.

Haru's legs were in the bed, but his head was incredibly close to the edge of the mattress-both of his arms were dangling lazily over the side. Half of the bed covers had trailed onto the floor and the pillows were dishevelled; some had even lost their cases.

_It looks like he had a fight with someone. Was it a bad dream? But Haru didn't wake me... oh. Why would he need to? It's not like I'm his Mother..._

Rin glanced back over at Haru.

_That idiot-he's dangling over the edge of the bed! Who sleeps in a position like that? If he rolls over any more, he's gonna fall out..._

Quietly, Rin climbed to his feet and put his arms around Haru, ever-so-gently lifting him back onto the mattress. As Rin begun to lay Haru down, Haru shifted and his eyelids begun to flutter.

'Rin...' Haru's voice was soft. 'Rin, don't go... what are you doing...'

'I-it isn't what you think! You were falling out of bed so I lifted you back up, I swear-'

'Don't want to...' Haru mumbled. 'Don't want to tell Rin. Don't want... trouble... don't want Rin... want... don't know...'

Haru rolled over in the bed and didn't speak again.

_Sleeptalking?_ Rin wondered, as he tucked Haru in the bed-covers.

_At any rate, it doesn't look like I'll be able to fall asleep again. Just what kind of dream was Haru having, anyway?_

* * *

Haru didn't wake up fully until past 8am; he gave Rin some of his clothes to change into then the two of them made their way downstairs. Rin watched Haru carefully as he moved around the kitchen.

_Haru doesn't seem to be __distressed, but then again, what would I know? This is the second day I've spent with Haru in almost five years. _

'How did you sleep?' Rin asked gently. Haru seemed to think about the question for a considerable amount of time.

'Good,' he concluded. 'What about you? Were you satisfied with your comfortable patch of floor?'

_Is he still bitter that I didn't sleep with him?_

'Not at all: this hotel is the worst. I want to have words with the manager.'

'You chose to sleep there-don't blame it on me. You're the one who can't sleep next to another guy without letting their imagination get the better of them.'

Haru took a magazine from the counter and settled beside Rin. He opened it up on the table and begun to point at various articles.

'Where do you want to go for dinner?'

'We're deciding now? It's 9am.'

'We'll just have to skip breakfast. It's not my fault someone didn't get up earlier-seriously, Rin, your body clock is awful. I bet you fail all your classes because you stay in bed all the time.'

'As a matter of fact, I got up way before you.'

'Whatever you say, Rin. Which restaurant shall we go to?'

'I don't know.' Rin squared his shoulders-he didn't want to make a big deal out of the situation.

'Well...' Haru thought. 'What kind of food do you like?'

'Meat, I guess… and spicy foods.'

'Then we can go to a curry house. C'mon-they have a great place in town!'

* * *

The bus Haru and Rin caught into town dropped them off in the town square. The two of them hadn't talked much on the bus because every conversation seemed to lead to an argument. It wasn't as if either of them could think of anything to say, anyway-the embarrassment and awkwardness of the previous night still dominated their thoughts.

'I don't understand why you're wearing my jacket.' Rin said to Haru, as they made their way toward the restaurant. 'And I'm wearing one of yours. What's with the clothes swap all of a sudden?'

'This is my hostage.' Haru pointed at the jacket. 'And Rinrin is my ransom. If I don't get to go to dinner with you, you don't get to have your coat back.'

'Yeah, yeah-you could have left it at home. You look like an idiot wearing a school jacket on a weekend.'

_Haru is supposed to be paying me back, but I get the feeling he's happy about this. Well-it's not like I'm unhappy: I just feel a little unnerved. For some reason I feel strange about going to dinner with Haru, even though he's another guy..._

As they walked into the restaurant, a group of girls looked up. They begun to giggle and whisper intently.

'Haru…' Rin murmured. 'Let's get a table at the back. One with a partition... people will think we're on a date...'

'We are on a date.' Haru replied, vacantly. Rin grimaced as he followed Haru toward a table.

_I knew this was going to be a bad idea._

'Okay.' Haru laid out a menu, as the two of them settled down opposite each other. 'What do you want to order? You said you like spicy stuff with meat, so you want a katsu-curry, right?'

'Yeah,' Rin smiled. 'The pork katsu-curry looks really good. What about you? I don't know what you like...'

'Hmm... well, I guess that I want this. Teriyaki mackerel with udon noodles-here.' Haru pointed to a small box at the bottom of the menu.

_He noticed that right away... has he been here with someone else before?_ Rin felt himself tighten up a little. _No-it's just my imagination. I'm getting way too tense about this_.

'I can pay you back. I'll put the money underneath your door on Monday-'

'You saved my life and I'm buying you diner. I'm the one who owes you.' Haru mumbled in response. He slipped out of his seat to order, leaving Rin to consider his words.

'_Saved his life,' huh... I guess I did. Though I was the reason he got in the pool, so I don't know if that cancels it out..._

Haru came back with two drinks and spoke up.

'How was Australia?'

_He wants to have a normal conversation? After everything that's happened, we're going to talk like normal people?_

'It was good,' Rin replied. 'Lots of fun.'

'It couldn't have been that fun.' Haru replied. 'After all, you came back to Japan.'

'Well, yeah.' Rin brushed his hair behind his ears. 'I still have my exams to take-the kanji papers are better for me. My English is strong but occasionally there's a word I don't know, and sometimes it takes a while to deconstruct sentences. Plus...' he trailed away. 'Never mind. How about you? How's your English going?'

'I hate English.' Haru drew circles around his coaster. 'Well... it's not like I hate it-I have nothing against the language. I'm just not very good at it, that's all. I think I must have killed an English teacher in my past life.' He laughed unhappily.

'I could help you if you want.'

Rin had spoken without thinking. Haru looked up at Rin and his face seemed to suddenly brighten.

'I'd like that.' Haru said, softly. Rin felt heat creep into his cheeks, realising it was too late to take back the offer.

'I-If I do, you'd better make it worth my time,' Rin continued to Haru, sternly. 'And it's not as if-not as if I'd teach you for nothing. And not all the time... I'm seriously busy on most days.'

'Yeah, yeah.' Haru rolled his eyes. 'Foods here. Let's eat!'

'Let's eat.' Rin echoed, distantly.

Moments ticked by as the two of them ate in silence. Rin was surprised by how hungry he was and how good the food tasted on his tongue.

_I only got to eat breakfast yesterday. I guess I didn't notice how hungry I was, because at the time I was worried about Haru... he hasn't eaten a lot, either. But something gives me the feeling that right now, Haru isn't particularly interested in food._

Rin noticed that his hands shook as they lifted his chopsticks; he also realised he couldn't raise his head and look directly at Haru: it was hard to look him in the eye, for some reason. Compared to the giggling and laughing girls behind him, their own silence seemed to be deafening.

_It's not like I want to talk with Haru in the same way that those girls talk with each other, but it would be nice to have a conversation. Why am I too tense to do event that?_

'Rin,' Haru said quietly. 'I'm nervous. Are you nervous?'

'N-nervous? Why would I be nervous?'

'I don't know…. but I'm nervous. My knees are shaking, and it's hard to keep my feet flat... this is the first time I've ever been out on a date.'

'You're the only one who thinks this is a date! This is you saying thank you, and me obliging.'

Rin made an effort of moving a lump of potato around his bowl. Haru didn't eat for a few moments.

'Rin,' he said, softly. 'There's something I want to ask you...'

'What is it?'

'N-no. I can't say it here.'

Rin laughed. _Haru looks so confused. It's actually sort of cute._

'What the hell? Then why even bring it up?'

'Because it's important to me. I want to be clearer with my thoughts, but that's… that's the difficult part. I don't know if it's okay to say it, because I don't know if youwantopdoitornot…'

Haru trailed away, and Rin kicked him under the table.

'Haru, speak up: I can't hear you if you mumble.'

'Will you…'

'What?'

'I don't know... Prompt me to tell you.'

Rin shook his head. 'We're not playing that game. We'll be here all day-just spit it out.'

'I feel like you'll yell at me.'

'Probably. Say it anyway.' Rin took a sip of his drink as Haru fidgeted with his chopsticks.

'Rin, I think I... I think I want to kiss you.'

The words came at precisely the wrong moment-Rin coughed as he choked on the liquid and snatched up a napkin to hide his expression. He wondered first of all if he'd heard Haru wrong, and then if Haru was messing him around.

'Seriously?' Rin laughed. 'That's what all this is about?' He thumped the table with his wrist and laughed. 'Come on, Haru- that's seriously lame. What are you, a homo?'

Haru stared back at him blankly.

'You're no way serious.' Rin looked away. 'Just go and kiss a girl or something-I'm sure one will say yes if you ask her out. There's lots of fish in the sea, you know?'

'Maybe I don't want a fish.' Haru looked at Rin. 'Maybe I'm after something better… like a shark.'

'No.' Rin snapped, but his legs had started to shake. 'N-no, I don't want to.'

'Why?'

'Haru, I don't need a reason! I don't need to explain myself to you-in fact, I don't even know why I'm acknowledging this stupid argument by justifying it with a cause!'

Rin pinched his palms and breathed out slowly through his nose. Haru watched him carefully from across the table.

'Is there something wrong with me? Don't you think I'm attractive?'

'I like you...' Rin breathed. 'But not in that way. It's not because you're unattractive, and it's not because I don't like you: I just don't find myself sexually attracted towards men.'

'Good: then you won't have a problem with kissing me, right?'

'That isn't how I meant it!' Rin prepared to stand, then paused. 'Why are you so interested in kissing me, anyway?'

'Beats me.' Haru replied moodily. He set his head in his hands. 'This is the first time I've ever wanted to do it. Last night on the train I started thinking about it... maybe it's psychological because you saved my life. Or maybe I really liked how warm you were at the time. I don't know-I can't explain it myself. I just have this really strong and confusing feeling that won't go away. It keeps kicking me in the back of my thoughts, but at the same time I'm too unsure to act on it. I figure if you kiss me, it'll shut up for a second.'

_So that was why he was so interested in sleeping with me... I knew it._ Rin drew his knuckles onto the table.

'I'm sorry,' Haru said quietly. 'You don't have to do it if you don't want. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable-I'm supposed to be paying you back, but my stubbornness got in the way again. I think I've ruined our dinner.'

'N-no...' Rin looked toward his shoes. 'It's not _ruined_. This is just... unexpected.'

_Why have my hands started shaking? And why haven't I stormed out already? My body feels heavy, like it's filled with liquid… I don't think I can stand properly. I feel numb and incredibly warm... a part of me wants to say yes. A part of me wants to try it... although I'm not sure it will be rewarding... but I still want to see how it feels... I'm curious what it would feel like kissing him..._

'If it could benefit both of us, I think I might be able to do it.'

'You want me to pay you? Like a prostitute?'

Rin shook his head. 'That isn't how I meant it! I mean, like…' he played with his hands. 'If it means that much to you, I don't have a problem giving you a kiss. But we just have to touch lips really quickly: I don't want anything... else... okay? And it has to be in a private place. Plus you have to leave me alone afterwards... I really meant it when I said I don't want to see you again. Just one kiss and you'll quit bugging me, okay?'

'Yeah.' Haru looked up and smiled. 'Oh-Rin... I know a place where we can go...'

* * *

The sun blazed down on a cliff as two young men made their way to it's top. The ocean below them was quiet and calm: a mix of beautiful deep blue and azure, waves sparking as they faded into the horizon.

'Are you ready?'

'I'm ready.'

Haru lay on the grass at the top of the cliff with his arms by his sides. Rin sat beside him, playing with his thumbs.

'Rin,' Haru said, gently. 'You look scared to death. Are you really sure that you're okay to do this?'

'I said I would do it, so I'm gonna do it.' Rin focused on a ladybird on a blade of grass. 'You remember your promise to me, don't you?'

'If you kiss me and you don't like it, you don't ever have to see me again. You can forget all about me and I won't bug you-we'll go our separate ways afterwards.' Haru said the words as though reciting a lecture. 'Although I don't believe that you'll leave me, Rin.'

Rin scowled at Haru. 'You're persistent,' he murmured.

_Calm down,_ Rin told himself. _It's just a kiss... it's not like anything will happen. This shaking isn't because you're nervous-it's just your body getting ready._

Rin climbed up to his feet and crouched down over Haru. Haru closed his eyes, and Rin felt his chest immediatley contract-

_I can't do it_, Rin thought to himself. _Because right now, I'm sure that my heart is thumping much harder than Haru's… I'm too embarrassed to keep going because if I lean in any closer, Haru is going to know... he's going to feel how hard my hearts beating..._

'Rin? What's wrong? Don't you want to kiss me?'

'Y-yeah, just wait a second, okay? I'm just trying to get comfortable...'

Rin took a breath and leaned in closer to Haru. He could see the slow and soft rise and fall of Haru's chest, and steadied his breathing to try and match it with Haru's. Haru's eyes were shut and his lips were slightly parted, and when Rin looked at him properly he was surprised to find that Haru looked attractive. No- that wasn't the right phrase. Not that Haru looked attractive: that_ Rin found Haru attractive..._

_It's just my imagination wandering, that's all-just a side effect because I'm about to kiss him, and my body is easing the situation for me. These feelings are completely rational. _

'You have to relax when I kiss you.'

'I'm relaxed.'

'I mean it, Haruka: steady your breathing. If you get overexcited and breathe too fast, your heart will pump hard and your chest won't be able to-'

'Rin,' Haru exhaled sharply. 'Just how attractive do you think you are? I can handle this. It's just a kiss.'

'Yeah?'

'Yeah-it's going to be easy. It's probably just like CPR.'

'No.' Rin snapped. 'It's not just like CPR, Haru, the two couldn't possibly be any more different. I don't think you understand anything about your own situation-'

Haru leaned up and kissed Rin softly on the lips.

'I understand,' Haru murmured. 'I understand my situation perfectly.'

The press of Haru's lips against his own had been so impossibly light that Rin had been gripped by the desire to kiss him harder. Without thinking, Rin leaned across to Haru and the two of them shared the second kiss of their lives.

As Rin felt Haru's lips against his, he begun to feel warm-as though sinking into warm water-and the feeling started to spread to his fingers and his toes. The water that embraced him then seemed to then become honey, warm and sticky as it bound them, making it more and more difficult to break apart with every millisecond that Rin spent kissing Haru. The entire world seemed to click out of focus and, in that moment, Rin felt so perfectly content. Their lips were barley touching one another, but somehow the gentle touch was enough: somehow it was so perfectly fulfilling. Rin broke away and lay beside Haru on the grass.

The clouds overhead were beautiful, Rin thought. The swirling blue and shifting white that stretched out before his eyes had never seemed so peaceful, calm or serene. The clouds that drifted through the sky seemed closer to Rin than any of his problems, or any force that threatened to hurt Haru or try to take him away from Rin. Because-now that they'd kissed-Haru had become someone important to Rin... and he wasn't about to let Haru go, despite how much HCM might resist. He was going to try to protect Haru against the intrinsic disease that worked in his body to draw them apart... no matter how long or expensive the fight would be.

In that moment, Rin realised how much he cared for Haru. He wasn't sure if it was love or romance, but the fact was undeniable that-to him-Haru was someone special.

'You were way more into that kiss then I was.'

'S-shut up.' Rin ran a finger over his lips. He closed his eyes and tried to recreate the scene in his head through the eyes of a passer-by.

_I hope anyone wasn't looking in our direction just then. But even if they were-does it really matter? Do I really care what other people think?_

He tried directing his thoughts to consider the actual kiss itself:

_I thought kissing another guy would be awkward, but it didn't feel that way at all. Haru's lips were very soft, and it felt good to hold him close. It was strange but also good… the concept is confusing._

'Was that your first kiss?'

'No. I kissed lots of girls in Australia. Beautiful ones.'

'Liar.'

Rin scowled at Haru. 'Coming from you. I always thought you would marry a dolphin.'

'What about a shark?'

'Huh?'

'Nothing. Hey, Rin? Um, suddenly... I don't want to wear my shirt.'

'Keep it on, Haruka. We've gone far enough today.'

Haru fidgeted with his collar.

'I just want to take it off. I didn't say I'd do anything.'

'And I said no-'

'I just-'

'For fucks sake Haru, what part of 'no' are you not getting? Can't you listen to me for once in your life?'

'Not everything is about you.' Haru muttered sulkily. He reached across the grass to hold Rin's hand. Rin looked away over the cliff, but surprisingly didn't pull back.

'Rin.' Haru's voice had become low. 'Something really bad has happened.'

'Really bad?' Rin swallowed. He felt the warmth of Haru's palm against his own and wondered if their time together was limited.

_Did Haru want me to kiss him because something's going to happen? I can't lose him: not right now. Not after I just got him back..._

'I think I might like you, Rin.'

Rin breathed out.

'Be more serious! Haru, will you stop messing around-I thought this was something to do with your heart!'

'But I am being serious-and it is to do with my heart. I think I really like you, Rin... I can't stop thinking about you. I think it might even be love.'

Rin snatched back his hand and wrapped his arms around his legs.

'You don't know what you're saying,' he snapped, over the thumping of his own heart. 'We haven't been in contact for almost five years. How can you say something like that after being with me for just two days?'

'I don't know,' Haru murmured. 'I don't know anything right now. The world is spinning so quickly: I've just learned that HCM could kill me, so I don't have time to hesitate any more. Everything feels so accelerated and I can't think straight at all. All I know is that I want to kiss you again-everything else is so jumbled in my head. I really, really want you, Rin: please come back home with me.'

Rin shook his head.

'We're not going to your home. We're not letting this go further... we're not doing something just because we can-'

'Not because we can. Because we _want_ to.'

Rin didn't get a chance to reply. He saw Haru climb on top of him but wasn't fast enough to stop the movement... Haru settled down on Rin's chest, put his arms either side of Rin's head and then kissed him.

Rin's nose scraped against Haru's as Haru leaned in and deepened their kiss. The movement was so fast that Rin couldn't pull back: unintentionally he found his own lips loosening, drawing Haru in until he could feel the gentle, wet press of Haru's tongue. Haru was kissing him with such a force that Rin felt completely paralysed with shock-he was barley aware of Haru's hands, sliding down his stomach, reaching underneath his waistband...

'Where the hell are your hands?' Rin cried out in surprise. He pushed Haru from on top of him, and Haru fell over onto his side.

'Come home with me.' Haru replied, picking himself up from the grass.

'Rin… I changed my mind about earlier; I'm not okay with you going back to Samezuka. I want you to come home with me instead.'

'N-no,' Rin snapped-everything had become hazy. He tried to stand, but Haru grasped his wrist-

'Haru, I can't... I've got school in the morning. You have school tomorrow, too.'

'Then let's both skip school and have sex all day.'

'Like hell!' Rin flushed; Haru was on top of him again, pinning Rin down against the grass, hands reaching inside of Rin's shirt as he begun to suck the pulse points on Rin's neck. Rin wriggled uncomfortably beneath Haru; the urge to cry out was welling up inside of him.

'H-Haru, stop it... this is too sudden! Haru, I don't... I don't want you like this. You're going too fast-my brain can't process it...'

'Then don't process it- just be with me. You don't need to consider or evaluate anything-'

Haru's next move was too insistent: Rin shoved him away-harder this time-so that Haru made a thump when he fell over.

'Haru, I keep telling you no! How many times do I have to say it in order for it to get through-what the hell is your problem? Just how desperate are you; you're completely fucked up!'

Haru didn't pick himself up this time. He remained on the grass with his eyes concealed by his fringe; Rin had to wonder if he was crying.

'H-H-Haru, I didn't mean... I didn't mean to shove you, but I can't... I really can't do this...'

_Dammit, my hands are shaking! I don't know what I'm supposed to do-_

'I-I have to go back to Samezuka. Your house is just a few minutes away, so I don't need to take-I don't need to walk you home tonight. Haru, I think you need to calm down. Please go home and sort yourself out. And... sorry.'

Rin broke into a run.

He didn't know why he was running away-he didn't know why he'd apologised, either, or why a feeling he couldn't name burned in his chest and made him feel so helpless. Rin felt exhausted and his head hurt- in half a day he'd felt so many things that he'd never experienced before: the fact that he'd felt attracted toward another male was difficult for him to come to terms with. And then there was the concept of Haru- Rin didn't even know where to begin thinking about that one.

_I pushed Haru back and ran away but what was I supposed to do? His actions came completely out of nowhere... Haru's behaviour was completely uncontrolled._

Even by the time he'd made it back to his dorm room, Rin hadn't managed to place order to his thoughts.

_What was wrong with Haru? He never used to be that way. His emotions are all over the place... Is it because of HCM? _

Rin rolled over onto his side and tried to imagine Haru's position right now. Was he in bed? Was he asleep? Or did he stay on the hill, even after Rin had left?

_Haru... I don't understand. What's happening in your head right now?_


	4. Tears in my Tomorrow

**Luuka:** And we're back with Haru's point of view, continuing from where Rin left him.

This took a while, so I'm really glad I got it done!

* * *

When Haru arrived home on Sunday afternoon, he felt exhausted. The morning had drained him and his body felt weak-questions were racing through Haru's head.

_What was with Rin? Did I turn him off? _

_I don't understand why Rin doesn't like me._

_Is it because I'm a guy? _

_Is it because I have HCM?_

_Is it because I'm... me? _

_Is it something I can fix?_

When Rin had pushed Haru away, he'd damaged Haru without knowing it. To Rin it was just an innocent push, but to Haru it was one that had broken him into a hundred pieces. He'd been rejected: that fact lingered like a bitter taste. He meant nothing to Rin. Nothing.

It was his own fault- Haru supposed- for letting himself daydream about a future with Rin, when they hardly knew each other at all. Haru had formed a world in his head where he and Rin loved each other without interference, and this future had seemed completely assured because he'd been sure that Rin felt the same way; he'd been sure that Rin had fallen in love with him the second that they'd met again, because that was how Haru had felt. Haru hadn't even considered the possibility that this love might actually be one sided, and the shock of being faced with such a thought was enough to pull him from an emotional high to an emotional low; from happiness to heartache and from fulfilment to emptiness. Haru had no experience with grief, so naturally didn't take it well.

_Okay, so maybe I was out of order because I tried to force Rin to have sex with me, but he didn't have to treat me like that. It's not like I'm using HCM as an excuse to do whatever I want... I really meant it when I said that I loved him. All I wanted was to be with him, but he said I was 'fucked up...' Rin doesn't like me in the way I like him._

Haru buried his head in his arms.

_Right now, I want to disappear. Would anyone care if I did? Makoto might worry, but other than that... there's no point in me being alive._

* * *

On Monday, Haru went to school on normal. The same happened on Tuesday, then on Wednesday he surrendered. At nine 'o clock in the morning Haru answered the door to Makoto and told him that he was sick and staying home. Then, Haru climbed upstairs and ran himself a cold, deep bath. He stripped down to his swim trunks and settled inside the tub, deciding he would never get out.

As Haru lay in the cold bath, he tried to think about how he felt. His head hurt-his heart hurt-and every part of Haru ached... it was too difficult to try any more, because everything hurt too much. It would be better just to end it all, he thought. To lie still in the cold bath and wait for peace to come; to regard the bathtub as a coffin, and sleep here for all of eternity. Yes; here he could find respite.

Haru wanted to submerge under the bathwater-to lie still, hidden and dormant-and sleep away all the sadness he felt. He wanted to curl up, close his eyes and depart from the world-he wanted to forget about Rin and how much he liked Rin, and having to go to school and the fact that his body wasn't as good a normal persons-all of these things made Haru feel weary. So, it was better not to face them at all.

He was too tired even to cry: depression settled itself in Haru's stomach like a sandbag and with every minute that passed in real time, Haru seemed to live one hundred in agony. After a while, Haru lost feeling in his fingers and toes, body shuddering as it lay still, suspended in the biting cold water. The clock hands went around and around... the cidias stopped chirping so that Haru couldn't hear them, and the condensation on the windows begun to slowly drip away. Gradually, Haru's heart and breath begun to slow. He was freezing-so far away from feeling-when the door to his bathroom was kicked down suddenly. The lock broke open and someone came running in.

'Haru? Oh, thank goodness... Haru...'

Haru let himself be hauled out of the bathwater by Makoto, who wrapped him in four towels and clutched him tightly. Now that Haru was out of the water, he was aware of the cold-he shivered and gasped as tears streamed down his cheeks: not because he was glad to have been pulled out of the water, but because he hadn't _wanted _to come out-he'd gotten so close to finally getting away from it all, only to be wretched right back to where he'd started. Makoto gripped Haru so hard that his hands made marks on him through the towels-marks that Haru was too numb to feel.

'Why?' Makoto was shaking now, too. 'Haru, why? Why would you do this to yourself? Please say that you weren't... say that you weren't... Haru...'

Haru closed his eyes and pressed his chin against Makoto's shoulder.

_Makoto-I'm sorry. You're a person who can help me... but not the person who I wanted to help me. If I were to be pulled up from the water, I wanted one specific person to it-if it wasn't their hand that I could have grabbed onto, I'd rather just not come up at all._

* * *

When Haru awoke the next morning, he was aware of sunlight.

Weak rays reached in and filtered through his window, yet Haru still felt cold and frigid. He lay bundled beneath several layers of duvet and blanket with a warm, damp cloth resting atop his forehead. Makoto looked up from Haru's bedside.

'You're awake... Thank goodness, Haru.'

_He sounds relieved_, Haru thought.

'Haru, here: I have some soup for you. It's only canned so it's nothing special, but I got Nagisa to bring it over... anyway, you'll feel better if you eat this. It's hot so it'll warm you up, okay?'

Makoto brought a spoon to Haru's mouth, but Haru shook his head and pushed it away-

'I don't want to eat. I'm not hungry. What day is it today?'

Makoto sighed.

'It's Friday afternoon... although I don't see why that matters. Haru, come on... you need some kind of sustenance. If you don't eat, then you're going to need a drip...'

But Haru wasn't listening.

_Friday afternoon? _He took a moment to consider this. _I got in the bath on Wednesday morning... that means I've been in the water for a full day at least. In the water, I was so comfortable__...__ I was so peaceful and content. I shut my eyes, and all the pain started to go away... then Makoto pulled me out, and that made everything go cold. _

'Why did you pull me out?' Haru demanded.

'B-because!' Makoto flushed. 'Because you could have died in there, Haru! Your lips were blue and your body was quivering... and the water was so deep that it came up over the sides. You could have passed out, or caught hypothermia, or...' Makoto broke away. 'I don't even want to think about it... I don't even want to think about what could have happened to you!'

Haru poked two lumps in the duvet where he knew his legs were-unsurprisingly, he felt nothing.

_What was it that I learned in first school? Oh... that's right: 'pain is just your body's way of telling you that something's wrong.' So__ when I don't feel pain, does that mean everything's okay? Even if my hearts not beating?_

_Is it better to be numb and feel nothing than to be alive and feel pain?_

'Makoto... it's better not to suffer, right?'

'H-Haru, I don't- I don't understand what you mean...'

'When you die, isn't it better to go gently?' Haru looked over at Makoto. 'I've been thinking about these things a lot lately. Like, say someone had a terminal disease and they were going to die at some point-wouldn't it be better if they were just to shoot themselves in the head and get it over with, rather than lying around in a hospital bed and waiting for a slow, agonising death to come? Wouldn't it be better to die happily, doing something that you love?'

'Haru...' Makoto cupped his head in his hands. 'When you say a terminal disease...'

'It's nothing,' Haru replied, quickly. 'I didn't mean anything by it. It's just, those are the kind of thoughts that are going around in my head right now. I wasn't trying to kill myself in the bath-I was just tired and wanted to feel calm, and having a bath always helps me relax. So I laid down, but I took it too far: I don't know why I didn't get out. I don't know much of anything, any more.' He mumbled. 'I do a lot of things for reasons I don't understand.'

Makoto gripped Haru's wrist.

'Haru, when you have these thoughts come and talk to me... please talk to me. Don't shut me out and don't ignore me, either: you did the same thing last week when you left me alone at the swim club. If you're going through something, then I want to help-even if it's just talking, please get it off your shoulders: please don't go through it alone.'

Haru nodded blankly.

'Eat the soup, Haru.'

So, Haru did-he felt better after he did.

* * *

Makoto stayed with Haru for the rest of the afternoon and the best part of Friday evening.

'I'm not leaving you alone.' Makoto had told Haru, sternly. 'Not when you're a danger to yourself.'

Haru knew that Makoto would have liked him to open up more, but the truth was that Haru didn't feel like talking. So, most of the day the two of them had spent in silence, half-heartedly watching television programmes or talking about various things that had happened when they were kids.

By the time that night had fallen, feeling returned to Haru's body... admittedly with the help of several hot drinks, three jumpers, a pile of blankets and the maximum setting on his central heating system. At any rate, a hint of colour had returned to Haru's face; although Makoto seemed much happier with this fact than Haru did.

'Haru,' Makoto begun, gently. 'Why don't you come and stay with me for a while? My parents said it would be okay... well, you're basically family to us, anyway, so it's really no problem having you over.'

Haru shook his head.

'I really can't. Makoto, I've troubled you enough already...'

_Even though you say it's okay, I still feel like I'd be a burden._

'I think I need some time alone; I'm sorry for what I've put you through. Thank you so much for everything you've done for me... I really can't say how much you've helped. A lot-so much. Just... thank you, Makoto: I mean it.'

'Text me,' Makoto told him, firmly. 'Haru, text me every half an hour... if you don't I'll send an ambulance straight here, do you understand?'

'What about when I go to sleep?'

'Text me before you're about to go to bed. And then go to bed, Haru: promise me that you won't try anything... else.'

So, Haru promised-the honesty of that promise surprised him. He was also surprised by how much better Makoto's text messages made him feel. They were just a few lines of pixels, shaped to form certain arrangements that spelled out: 'you OK?' or 'Good night, Haru-' but was enough to make him feel better; somehow, that was enough to brighten Haru's mood.

_Someone cares about me-someone is worried about me. And because another person cares about me, I feel encouraged to take care of myself, too: because I don't want to disappoint that other person._

When Haru went into the bathroom to brush his teeth, he noticed that the tops of the bath taps were missing: there was a note in Makoto's handwriting by the edge of the tub.

'I have the tops-I'm sorry. I didn't know how else to stop you from getting in the bath. You're going to have to shower for a while, but I'll come over and screw them back on eventually. All the best, Haru.'

_Makoto removed the bath tops because he's worried about me. But you don't have to worry, Makoto__..__. You've already done enough._

_I don't want to get back in the bath, any more._

* * *

The rest of Saturday Haru spent in town, buying ingredients so that he could make some green curry to give to Makoto as a thank you present. When Haru arrived back home, he was slightly surprised by what he saw: sitting on his doorstep, Haru noticed... Rin.

'You couldn't stay away.' Haru declared. He was surprised to see Rin, of course, but somehow it didn't show through his face or voice. Rin shuffled awkwardly on Haru's doorstep.

'Haru... yo. How have you been?'

'Why did you come here?'

There was no need to drag out their conversation- Haru already knew why Rin had come to see him. Haru had poured out his feelings to Rin, but Rin had pushed him away-Rin had created an open wound in Haru's heart, and now he'd come to rub salt into it. Haru clenched his fists around his shopping bags.

'My... my Samezuka jacket. I didn't pick it up last weekend.'

'What, you don't have more than one?'

It wasn't a serious statement, but it wasn't exactly a snarky one, either; the retort may have been if Haru had the energy, but he was too exhausted to tease Rin. To be honest, he just wanted Rin to leave... he wanted Rin to go away, before he got too close and started unwinding the bandages that Makoto had wrapped so carefully around Haru's self-confidence. 'If I mean nothing to Rin, then I must be a worthless...' Haru had to get rid of Rin before those thoughts started again. Because when they started, they couldn't stop-

'Um, Haru... this might be a stupid question, but are you, uh... are you okay?'

Haru smiled falsely.

'I'm really great. Why?'

'Because you don't look really great. You're pale and your eyes are shadowy... You didn't go to school last week, did you?'

'So what? It's none of your concern.' Haru laughed desirably. 'And anyway, how do you know about that? Have you been stalking me or something?'

'Don't be an idiot...' Rin looked away. 'You just don't look healthy, Haru. I thought you'd get better if I gave you some space, but obviously that was wrong...' he stood suddenly. 'Anyway, listen: about last week-'

'If your stupid jacket means that much to you, I'll go get it; that's all you came here for, right? Wait in the doorway.'

Haru opened the door and made his way into the kitchen, when a voice called out behind him-

'So that it, then? You're surrendering to HCM? You're just going to give up and feel sorry for yourself... is that what's happening?'

Haru spun around quickly- Rin was standing in the hallway with his shoes atop the mat by the door.

'Go away, Rin... don't just walk into my house! We've already been through this at the hospital... I'm not in the mood for another one of your lectures!'

Haru flushed-his body had started to get hot.

_I shouldn't let myself get mad. Getting mad increases my blood pressure, which makes it harder for blood to get to my heart because my valves are swollen... but Rin needs to hear my side of this: I want Rin to know exactly how I feel._

'All you want to do is swim. I know that's all that matters to you: which one of us can swim the best, which one of us is the fastest, I get it! Now that I can't swim you must be really happy, right? Because you beat me: congratulations. I bet you feel really proud of yourself now. You got what you wanted, so go away-I'm obviously not able to race you again. If you've just come here to rub it in then you might as well leave because I don't want to hear it. I've had enough... I don't need to be told how worthless I am. I already know... I've already had this argument with myself...'

Haru swayed on the spot and then staggered for a moment before dropping to his knees; his heart had seized suddenly in his chest, and his legs had given out from the shock.

_What am I supposed to do when this happens?_

_Oh... that's right. My doctor told me just to sit here. No sudden movements and I can't allow myself to feel any extreme emotions, or my blood might pump faster and trigger a heart attack. I just have to stay still until the pain stops, and if it doesn't then I get up and take a beta blocker. All I can do is sit on my knees... Rin must think I'm pathetic._

'Swimming always made me happy,' Haru murmured, more to himself than Rin. 'I always felt like I belonged in the water... I always felt like whenever I swum, it was the one thing I was meant to do-I really thought I'd been born just to get into a pool. If I can't swim then I'm like a broken clock; what's the point of me?'

Rin crouched down on the floor beside Haru.

'Haru... you're very confused at the moment. The thing about me wanting to beat you... I never said-'

'You didn't need to.'

'Haru, let me finish.' Rin's voice became soft. 'I never said I wouldn't like you if you couldn't swim; I never said that once. If you can't swim, then fine… it really doesn't matter. Just find something else to do instead.'

Rin was looking at the floor so Haru couldn't see his expression, but the words sounded a little forced and far too slow to be natural. Rin was playing with his fingers insistently.

'That's it?' Haru blinked-he was struggling to interpret Rin's words. 'That's really it? That's all you have to say?'

'What do you want me to say?' Rin kneaded his knuckles . 'I'm pissed that I can't race you because you're the one who taught me what it felt like to enjoy swimming with people you care about, yeah… but if that's impossible, what's the point in complaining? What's the point in dwelling on something I can't change?'

Haru couldn't believe what he was hearing-he'd relied on Rin to give him the confidence he'd needed to toss HCM over his shoulders and jump back into the water. If Rin had given up on him swimming, maybe it really was impossible…

'Haru,' Rin said, firmly. 'Listen: don't think about it… or anything. Don't force yourself to swim and end up dying just to keep me happy-the last thing I want to see is your dead body floating face down in the water. Just forget about those things I said about me wanting to swim with you again. They were in the heat of the moment, and I… just forget about them. I never want to see you in a pool again, okay?'

Haru stared up at Rin- sometime ago, the pain in his chest had stopped.

'Come on.' Rin took his hand and pulled him up. 'Let's go into the living room.'

* * *

'You still haven't told me why you're here,' Haru murmured, as he poured two cups of green tea.

'Rin... we agreed that if you kissed me and you didn't like it, you wouldn't have to come near me again and I wouldn't go looking for you, so there you go-contract fulfilled. I don't understand why you came back.'

'Obviously because I liked kissing you.' Rin replied, then his cheeks turned red and he fidgeted with the corner of his zabuton.

'A-although I may need a while to come to terms with that; it doesn't just click for me right away, Haru. That's why I... I need to get used to this. If I want to do this then I want to do it right, and for me that means taking things slowly-I know it's easier for you, but for me it's not... it's not the same. I mean, I...' Rin looked at the floor. 'Even talking about it is embarrassing,' he mumbled. 'But I think I'd like to be with you, Haru.'

Haru flushed and dropped his eyes in embarrassment, unable to think of a rational response. Warmth blossomed in Haru's stomach as he slid into happiness.

_All of my anger... all of my frustration... where did it go? It's all gone away. Rin likes me... he said that he likes me... suddenly, thinking about Rin isn't painful any more. Suddenly, I'm happy... happier than before..._

Rin placed a hand on Haru's forehead.

'Haru, what's with you? You're burning up…'

_I'm hot?_ Haru took a moment to consider this. _That's strange... since Thursday all I've been able to feel is cold. Makoto stayed with me the whole of Friday and kept me warm so that I wasn't freezing, but even with blankets and jumpers by the mini-heater, I still remember feeling cold and empty._

_Maybe it's because Rin's hand is on my forehead- it's such a casual, natural gesture, but it makes me feel so happy and safe. _

'What're you smiling at?' Rin laughed at Haru. 'Heh, Haru... where is your imagination wandering? Seriously, I swear... you're such an airhead.'

_And you're cute. __Rin: I want to kiss you again. But that isn't what you want right now, is it? So I won't-I'll wait until you're ready. I want you to feel as comfortable and happy as I do when we kiss each other; I want it to be the same for us both._

'I meant to come and see you sooner.' Rin said to Haru, quietly. 'But I thought you'd be better off on your own for a while. Haru, last weekend... well, you worried me. It was like you became someone else.'

_Last weekend..._ Haru begun to remember. _Last weekend, I asked Rin to come home with me. When he said no I tried to make him to have sex with me... even though he said that he didn't want to... _

'R-Rin, I'm sorry about the other day.' Haru smoothed his fingers along the floorboards awkwardly. 'I can't apologise enough for what I did back there. I don't know what's wrong with me at the moment; my feelings are everywhere. At the time I felt a whim and went with it, because it seemed like the right thing to do... but it wasn't and I regret it: I'm sorry for the way I behaved.'

Rin shook his head from side to side.

'You've obviously tortured yourself about it so I guess you realise what you did wrong. You don't have to apologise, Haru.'

'I do,' Haru murmured. He lay down on the floorboards.

'Rin, I don't know what's happening any more... I don't feel like I'm in control of myself. I cry for reasons I don't understand and get worked up over stupid things, but uninterested by others-what's wrong with me? Why am I being like this?'

Haru thought back to the afternoon on the cliff top, and wondered what would have happened if Rin hadn't been strong enough to push him back.

_If Rin were a little weaker, would I have forced him to have sex with me? It didn't feel like I was forcing it at the time because I thought Rin wanted it-because I thought Rin was in love with me- but I was only listening to myself. It made me so happy that Rin kissed me, that I completely lost control of my feelings-why did I behave like that? I didn't want to make Rin feel uncomfortable. I thought that if I gave my body to him, he would be happy... that he'd like me more... but that wasn't what he wanted... I almost did something irreversible..._

Tears beaded up in Haru's eyes and before he could stop himself, wet drops were sliding down his cheeks. They started off slowly then grew more frequent; one after another until he couldn't hold it in, any more-

'Haru?' Rin sounded surprised. 'Haru, what is it? Hey... are you crying?'

_I'm crying now… well, that's weird._ Haru tried to laugh but the sound just wouldn't rise. He wiped his eyes on the back of his hand and stared bleary eyed at the watery smudge.

_I don't like this kind of water. I don't like it… not at all…_

He shook his head and inhaled through his nose.

'I'm fine, I-I'm not crying. I just have something in my eye, that's all…'

'Yeah, tears. I can see them… idiot.' Rin crawled across the floor towards Haru. 'Haru, c'mon…. Look-your nose is running.' Rin got up, found a tissue and came back. 'Haru, tell me what's wrong. Was it because I yelled at you last weekend?'

Haru shook his head violently from side to side.

'Rin, my heart... it hurts-it always hurts. Even when I take beta blockers, the pain doesn't stop. Every day... I get this every day... why? I just don't think I can deal with it...'

One of Rin's hands came to rest on Haru's shoulder.

'It's because your body is still reacting. Haru...I did some research on HCM. I don't claim to know how you think but I'm guessing that you're still in shock about this. I know I would be if I had something like that-maybe I'd be worse: I don't know. But you can't give up on this, Haru-the second you give up is the second that it beats you. You have to keep fighting this... even if it's difficult.'

_Is Rin trying to say that he understands? That he doesn't think I'm weak or pathetic? That it matters to him if I'm alive?_

Haru sniffed and nodded his head. The hand on his shoulder suddenly tightened.

'Haru, it's okay-you can be emotional if you want. You don't have to put on a front... it's better just to let it out. You can cry on me if you're upset or stressed: you have that right. It's fine by me.'

Rin had said the wrong thing-or maybe the right thing-because Haru cried after that. Haru moved forward, grasped Rin's polo shirt and buried his nose into Rin's shoulder, clutching the folds of his clothing as he wailed. Monday to Thursday-the days Haru had spent wanting to disappear-he cried them all out of existence. He cried for everything that he was worried about: because he wanted to be with Rin and because he felt like a burden to Makoto- because his heart hurt and felt heavy all of the time-because he missed his parents and his grandmother-because he was afraid to die, because death was that much closer... and because Haru didn't know how to solve any of his problems, or even help himself even slightly. Eventually, the tears stopped on their own and he pulled back from Rin's shoulder.

'Feeling better?' Rin asked.

Haru laughed bitterly.

'I feel stupid.'

'But better, right?'

'Better? Yes.'

Rin unfolded himself from the floor.

'That's good-Haru, I have to go. It's already late and I have to practice for swim... sorry.' He blushed. 'I didn't mean to bring that up.'

'No, it's fine.' Haru wiped his eyes. 'You should keep swimming, Rin: you shouldn't just stop because I can't. You swim for Samezuka, right? I want to come and watch you sometime: I want to cheer for you at a tournament.'

'Uh, yeah,' Rin looked away. 'I'm not... well... Haru, about that...'

Haru laughed.

'Why are you being so modest? If you swim for a team, that's a great thing: I really mean it, Rin: I'm happy that you swim.'

Rin didn't reply to this.

'Haru, I'm going to leave now. Will you be okay?'

'I will.'

'Make sure to eat.'

'I will.'

'And get ten hours of sleep.'

'Okay.' Haru looked down at the floor. 'So... I guess I'll see you... whenever. Thanks a lot for coming to check on me.'

'Sunday,' Rin said, suddenly. 'I'll come and see you Sunday. We'll go out together, okay? I'll take you on a date this time, and show you how much of a better host I am.'

'Yeah.' Haru smiled. 'Sunday sounds really great.'

Rin lingered in the doorway and begun to knot his fingers. He looked up at Haru, then at the door and back at Haru-and then decidedly walked back towards him.

At first it seemed as though he was going to kiss Haru on the lips, but then Rin faltered-seemingly changing his mind- and pressed a soft less-than-a-second kiss to one of Haru's cheeks before pulling back.

'Take care of yourself, Haru.'

Haru smiled and nodded.

'Yeah, you too.'

And then, Rin was gone.

Somehow, that small press of Rin's lips against Haru's cheek felt more important to Haru than the intimate French kiss they'd shared on the hilltop. Why? Because this was more sincere. Because Rin had kissed Haru out of love this time-not because Haru had asked him, and not because he felt obliged: but because he'd wanted to kiss Haru. Because he 'liked' Haru... because that was what Rin had said.

Haru closed the front door and sunk down against it, hugging his knees to his chest in happiness.


End file.
